I want to thank everyone who left comments about the pitch I had up. Very good suggestions. Thank you again for offering your suggestions and words of encouragement. I have taken it down to rework it based on the suggestions. Thanks again.
I want to thank everyone who left comments about the pitch I had up. Very good suggestions. Thank you again for offering your suggestions and words of encouragement. I have taken it down to rework it based on the suggestions. Thanks again.
Diane Riggins 
Hi Diane!
Okay, here goes!
I get the story, but maybe if you showed us the horror and the creep factor, it would put some edge into the query. Maybe, like this for a first sentence:
While a brutal storm rages outside her New Orleans home, Sarah comes face to face with her past.
I'm sure you could come up with something even snappier, but that was just an example.
Your story sounds intriguing and if you could find a way to punch up the horror and scary sensation in the query, I'm sure every agent who reads it will be on the edge of their seats! Revenge seekers are always good stories!
Best of luck!
Talynn
I like the concept, I've always believed that vampire books need to be creepy and gothic sounding and it seems like you've captured that in your manuscript.
This is just my opinion, and I'm far from an expert, but the first paragraph feels clunky. You should be able to smooth everything out and write it into one fluid sentence that hooks the reader. Using a few well placed descriptive words while writing storms could drive home the gothic impression.
I think instead of the 2nd and 3rd paragraph, you should launch directly into your 4th paragraph which seems to be the heart of your plot.
I enjoyed your first 150 words, very well done, and good luck.
Hi Jess,
Thanks for your feedback. Glad you liked it. Thank you for the suggestions. Good luck to you as well.
Hi Talynn,
Thanks for the feedback.I agree with you about it needing to be punched up a bit. I was thinking it sounded a little flat in the Query. As I read it again after posting it it seemed to be a little more formal than it should be. Thanks again Talynn for your feedback.
Hi Diane,
I love the sound of your story, but I think your query needs quite a bit of work.
A query needs to focus on the following: 1) Introducing your main character and showing at least a little of what motivates her. 2) Stating your character's main goal. 3) Telling the reader what conflicts keep her from achieving that goal. 4) What's the choice she'll have to make? 5) what stakes are there to the choice? What's the worst thing that can happen after she chooses?
Hope this helps!
Hi Misha,
Thanks for the suggestions. Glad you like the sound of my story. Yes, I agree with you that the query needs a bit of work. Thanks again for stopping by.
Your first two paragraphs duplicate each other.
I think the third paragraph can go entirely.
The query sounds more like a mini synopsis, and at the same time I'm not getting enough information to really discuss it. I can summarize what you've said here in two sentences.
An evil from Sarah's past hunts New Orleans. Will she take control, or will she allow someone else to face it for her?
Hi Lauren,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving your feedback. I agree with you about the query it does need work. thanks again for the feedback.